I dont know how many of you realize this, but I've recently cut back in a hard way on my most expensive and occasionally harmful habit of drinking. And some of you laugh and say "Silly Nicole, you say that every few months" but with the conviction of any recovering idiot I say "No, this time I really mean it guys" and I have to say I've done a pretty good job of standing by my decision. A great job actually.
Now, the other side of this issue goes back to the "why" of why I was drinking in the first place. And why do most people drink if not simply to escape social insecurities? I've done it for years. A few drinks and I'm golden to talk to the world and bring them into my universe of happiness and fun. A few more drinks and I'm cursing that world and crying in the corner.
You see, drinking is a bell curve married with a timeline. I created a form of it to facilitate understanding....
The catch to this bell is that more often than not I do find the plane of existence between the release of baggage and the peak of the bell. That's a great place for all of us to be, but its a very fine line between that and total breakdown on the back side of that bell, and I've been there enough times to warrant a change in behavior that I believe is for the better.
I haven't stopped drinking. I'm not attending classes. This isnt some huge life overhaul where I consider myself to be addicted or recovering or whatever psychological lingo is out there in the world. I'm simply taking a step back.
And it's been a strange journey. With my soiree into the Denver comedy scene, I've noticed that without the level of booze that takes me to a place of social comfort, I'm painfully awkward. In a kind of hilarious and bizarre way. Because for any of you who know me on a level bigger than hi and bye, you might have a different understanding of me. A world without a shitload of booze is a world that is filled with a higher degree of "H-h-hey, uhh how's it goings?" and less "Fuck! Let's take shots and build this friendship NOW!" So that's a bit of a strange place for me.
The job in itself has been pretty cool lately. By pretty cool, I mean I like what I'm doing. On the other side of that I had a strange realization.
My entire life I was told that I could be whatever I wanted to be, that if I wanted to go to college, I had all the opportunity in the world to do so, that I could be somebody. My parents didn't go to college, and for my dad, his main goal was to get me there. For eighteen years, I pushed toward that goal. College.
But I've been out of college for nearly two years now. And after taking six years to finish my undergraduate experience, I realize now that in my quest to get to college, I lost sight of the whole "after college" phase. And that in my journey within college, my main goal was not to leave college.
Well, fuck me.
Because here I am, two yrs later, inside I'm still the same kid that believes I can do anything that I want, but everyone neglected to tell me that I could do anything I wanted-----outside of working. That the goal of working to put myself through college was to work to pay off college once I graduated. And that paying off college meant taking a path that was riddled with the realities of being independent, paying off debt, and trying to support yourself on a pretty remedial salary.
And then people have the audacity to tell me to be thankful to be employed. Because its a shitty economy and man am I so lucky to have a job.
Fine. I am lucky. And the job isn't bad, in fact, I like a lot about it, except for the early hours and the long days.
But there is a part of me every morning that wakes up to the cold, dead reality that "This is it, my friend. This is what your college dreams were made of."
I'm not complaining. But shit man, that's a $40,000 pill that is pretty hard to swallow.
With that, I'm enjoying my wkend.
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