Attend N'Sync opening for Backstreet Boys? Over my dead body.

I got some strange news today that I havent been able to confirm, but there is a Backstreet Boys tour currently going on. And the word on the street is that N'Sync is going to join them.

Wait a FUCKING second.

Now, for any pop music lover who went to high school in the late nineties, there were two groups. As dance-off angry as the Jets and the Sharks, as divided as schools before desegregation, and as eager to wear their colors as Crips and Bloods...were the N'Sync fans and the Backstreet Boys fans.

I was a die-hard N'Sync fan. I owned every cd. Loved JT's weird curly blond fro and had mini-crushes on everyone except Chris (Gnarly). Yeah, I even liked Joey Fat-one and the deep-in-the-closet Lance Bass. I had the t-shirts, the paraphernalia, I went to the concerts. I lived, breathed, died for N'Sync. Even my dad loved N'Sync. When I got my paycheck from the sub joint I worked at every Friday, I listened to the song "Just got paid". When I was done with that crush from the rival high school, I said "Bye Bye Bye" right after he finished "Tearin up my heart". And when I made out with that weird guy on homecoming, it was all "No Strings Attached". I even listened to Britney Spears because she was a goddamn ally AND a role model. Yeah. I said it. And you know what? N'Sync was fucking harsh.

Look, I might have secretly known all the words to Backstreet Boys songs. I might have even thought Nick Carter was kind of hot for an obviously white trash d-bag. (This notion was seriously validated after watching a few episodes of House of Carter. Beyond ridic.) But I told no one. I stood by my band. And verbally abused anyone who voiced anything ill of my five singing man treasures or opted to wear a Backstreet Boys t-shirt in what I deemed to be N'Sync domain. Which was basically anything with 20 yards of me.

And now here I am. More than a decade later.

Just as an old racist can suddenly see the gray area between black and white, I too have learned to like the Backstreet Boys. I identify with the melancholic "Show me the meaning of being lonely". I like to ask people the same questions asked in "Everybody". (There are four, if you didn't know.) And one day I hope that I too can be "Larger than life".

But this is a marriage of music that has gone too far. A concert...featuring both? Ludicrous. Who would open for whom? Would my N'Sync boys stoop down to the level of opening for the Backstreet Boys? I have an ominous feeling that is how it would go down. I throw up in my mouth a bit at the thought. If we are measuring by success post-boy band, clearly JT has everyone trumped. Therefore, shouldn't N'Sync be the opener? And clearly, N'Sync had many more fans. And in my opinion, many more attractive and intelligent fans as white trash America clearly erred towards the side of the Backstreet Boys.

Would I go to this concert? Only if the Backstreet Boys opened for N'Sync. Even then it's murky waters. If I could say something to the people planning this tour, before you go ahead and open up old wounds and rivalries, consider the consequences of your actions. Consider the protest and widespread anguish that may occur. Consider this picture:

You really think these guys should be the headlining act? Yeah. I didn't fucking think so.